Legenda Aurea
by Jacobus de Voragine
1260
compiled to inspire a homily on each occasion
A medieval Bestseller
Initially entitled Legenda sanctorum (Readings of the Saints)
Here beginneth the Life of Saint Valentine, and first the interpretation of his name.
Valentine is as much to say as containing valour that is perseverant in great holiness. Valentine is said also as a valiant knight, for he was a right noble knight of God, and the knight is said valiant that fleeth not, and smiteth and defendeth valiantly and overcometh much puissantly. And so Saint Valentine withdrew him not from his martyrdom in fleeing, he smote in destroying the idols, he defended the faith, he overcame in suffering.
Of Saint Valentine the martyr.
Saint Valentine, friend of our Lord and priest of great authority, was at Rome. It happed that Claudius the emperor made him to come tofore him and said to him in demanding: What thing is that which I have heard of thee, Valentine? Why wilt thou not abide in our amity, and worship the idols and renounce the vain opinion of thy creance?
Saint Valentine answered him: If thou hadst very knowledge of the grace of Jesu Christ thou shouldest not say this that thou sayest, but shouldest reny the idols and worship very God.
Then said to Saint Valentine a prince which was of the council of the emperor: What wilt thou say of our gods and of their holy life?
And Saint Valentine answered: I say none other thing of them but that they were men mortal and mechant and full of all ordure and evil.
Then said Claudius the emperor: If Jesu Christ be God verily, wherefore sayst thou not the truth?
And Saint Valentine said: Certainly Jesu Christ is only very God, and if thou believe in him, verily thy soul shall be saved, thy realm shall multiply, and he shall give to thee alway victory of thine enemies.
Then Claudius turned him unto all them that were there, and said to them: Lords, Romans, hear ye how wisely and reasonably this man speaketh?
Anon the provost of the city said: The emperor is deceived and betrayed, how may we leave that which we have holden and been accustomed to hold sith our infancy?
With these words the emperor turned and changed his courage, and Saint Valentine was delivered in the keeping of the provost.
When Saint Valentine was brought in an house in prison, then he prayed to God, saying: Lord Jesu Christ very God, which art very light, enlumine this house in such wise that they that dwell therein may know thee to be very God.
And the provost said: I marvel me that thou sayest that thy God is very light, and nevertheless, if he may make my daughter to hear and see, which long time hath been blind, I shall do all that thou commandest me, and shall believe in thy God.
Saint Valentine anon put him in prayers, and by his prayers the daughter of the provost received again her sight, and anon all they of the the house were converted. After, the emperor did do smite off the head of Saint Valentine, the year of our Lord two hundred and eighty. Then let us pray to Saint Valentine that he get us pardon of our sins. Amen.
Happy Valentine's
2010's Valentine post:
http://thelava-billyreads.blogspot.com/2010/02/happy-saint-valentines-day.html
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Friday, February 4, 2011
Three Little Pigs
Once upon a time, there were three little pigs. They’re stupid teenage pigs, wanting to grow up so fast, wanting to abandon their beloved mother, wanting to have their own place, so mother would not discover that little shoe box filled with Penthouse magazines under their beds. And so they left with some money they took from mother pig’s dressing table drawer and some cookies baked by poor innocent mummy pork.
The first pig built a house made of straw. How stupid, ever thought about leaks? You’re living in a cow’s lunch! Anyway, straw it is. And so, the big bad wolf comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: little peg, little peg, let me in....
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!
Of course, the wolf blew the house down and ate the little pig...
The second pig was a little smarter, he built a house using sticks, but he’s no smart enough to think about leaks...or termites. And so, the big bad wolf (who’s still hungry) comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: Little peg, little peg, let me in...
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!
Wolf: then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and‘ll blow your house down!
Pig: But I used nails!
Wolf: Good point....
And so the wolf kicked the house, and since all sticks are nailed to each other, the whole house went rolling down the hill and crushed Jack and Jill while they were on their way to fetch a pail of water. Of course, he ate the little pig...
The third little pig was like wayy smarter, he took enough from mom’s drawer, bought eggs, rare hens which laid more eggs and set up a business, and so he’s rich enough to afford bricks and cement and such. But the wolf had a little more room left, so he decide to have more pork and comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: Little peg, little peg, let me in...
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin ch—
Wolf: My gawd, you guys should shave...
Pig: never!
Wolf: Shave! No, I mean, let me in!
Pig: Never! What am I, stupid?!
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff...and I’m coming in!
Pig: Good luck!
So the wolf thought about it...
What about the chimney wolf?
Wolf: seriously?
Come on now, the wolf’s smart. He went to the County Recorder’s Office instead, and discovered that the pig never applied for a building permit. And so the third pig got blackmailed. He just had to let him in. So, the wolf went in...
Wolf: nice place you got here... *looks around*
Pig: Thanks...
And as the wolf looked around, the pig pushed him into a boiling pot of water, which happens to just be there, because this is a story and things like this happen... the wolf got cooked, and the pig invited his mom over for dinner.
Do you know the price you’ve gotta pay when you go against nature? When pigs eat wolves instead?
What the third pig didn’t know, Red Riding Hood’s grandma happen to be in the wolf’s tummy, she lives because he swallowed her whole, and her crinkly skin protects her from dissolving in the acidity of his tummy.
Negligence. You should have foreseen that a big bad wolf might have a living grandma trapped in his tummy. The pig went to jail. Manslaughter. There you go, off to jail, and who’s taking care of your mama? That’s right, I’m having ham sandwich now, oh yeah.
For the wolf's side of the story, visit:
http://www.shol.com/agita/wolfside.htm
The first pig built a house made of straw. How stupid, ever thought about leaks? You’re living in a cow’s lunch! Anyway, straw it is. And so, the big bad wolf comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: little peg, little peg, let me in....
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!
Of course, the wolf blew the house down and ate the little pig...
The second pig was a little smarter, he built a house using sticks, but he’s no smart enough to think about leaks...or termites. And so, the big bad wolf (who’s still hungry) comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: Little peg, little peg, let me in...
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin, I will not let you in!
Wolf: then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and‘ll blow your house down!
Pig: But I used nails!
Wolf: Good point....
And so the wolf kicked the house, and since all sticks are nailed to each other, the whole house went rolling down the hill and crushed Jack and Jill while they were on their way to fetch a pail of water. Of course, he ate the little pig...
The third little pig was like wayy smarter, he took enough from mom’s drawer, bought eggs, rare hens which laid more eggs and set up a business, and so he’s rich enough to afford bricks and cement and such. But the wolf had a little more room left, so he decide to have more pork and comes knocking on the door...
Wolf: Little peg, little peg, let me in...
Pig: Not by the hair of my chinny chin ch—
Wolf: My gawd, you guys should shave...
Pig: never!
Wolf: Shave! No, I mean, let me in!
Pig: Never! What am I, stupid?!
Wolf: Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff...and I’m coming in!
Pig: Good luck!
So the wolf thought about it...
What about the chimney wolf?
Wolf: seriously?
Come on now, the wolf’s smart. He went to the County Recorder’s Office instead, and discovered that the pig never applied for a building permit. And so the third pig got blackmailed. He just had to let him in. So, the wolf went in...
Wolf: nice place you got here... *looks around*
Pig: Thanks...
And as the wolf looked around, the pig pushed him into a boiling pot of water, which happens to just be there, because this is a story and things like this happen... the wolf got cooked, and the pig invited his mom over for dinner.
Do you know the price you’ve gotta pay when you go against nature? When pigs eat wolves instead?
What the third pig didn’t know, Red Riding Hood’s grandma happen to be in the wolf’s tummy, she lives because he swallowed her whole, and her crinkly skin protects her from dissolving in the acidity of his tummy.
Negligence. You should have foreseen that a big bad wolf might have a living grandma trapped in his tummy. The pig went to jail. Manslaughter. There you go, off to jail, and who’s taking care of your mama? That’s right, I’m having ham sandwich now, oh yeah.
For the wolf's side of the story, visit:
http://www.shol.com/agita/wolfside.htm
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